


sunshine in an empty place

by Isabeauu



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-13 00:22:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2130030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isabeauu/pseuds/Isabeauu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sauli's in Finland for work and Adam has to stay in LA to work on his album. The fact that they kind of had a little discussion that turned into a big drama thing right before he had to leave doesn’t help at all. Sauli texts Adam all the time, Adam doesn’t answer all the time. And Sauli has no idea what it is that’s keeping him busy and he hates it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sunshine in an empty place

**Author's Note:**

> The more stories I post, the more I realize how much I suck at summaries. Also, I stole the title from a song again, so go check out Of The Night by Bastille (somehow their songs have the best title lyrics, haha!)

Sauli smacks his phone on the table and sighs. It’s the third morning this week he had to wake up to headlines telling him of the party Adam went to that night while Sauli was asleep. And of course, they always had to mention the mystery boy he was dragging along. Sauli knows who the dude is, and it’s not that he doesn’t like Casper, the mystery guy, it’s just that he doesn’t like him being with Adam instead of Sauli. Because, although Sauli would never admit to it publicly, he felt trapped in Finland for a couple of months to host the Big Brother 2014 shows. It’s good to be back in Finland, to finally see his family and friends again, but he misses Adam so much.

 

The fact that they kind of had a little discussion that turned into a big drama thing right before he had to leave doesn’t help at all. He texts Adam all the time, Adam doesn’t answer all the time. And Sauli has no idea what it is that’s keeping him busy and he hates it. It drives him fucking insane, but he doesn’t dare to ask Adam to send him his schedule because he doesn’t want to seem like the clingy, untrusting boyfriend.  Instead he texts Adam the most ridiculous and random things, and sometimes Adam will text him back telling him how funny or cute or ridiculous or funny that is. But for Sauli it’s not always enough. He holds onto the times that Adam calls back instead of texting, or he asks if Sauli’s free to Skype for a while. Any time he’s able to actually hear Adam voice. The softness Adam speaks with when talking to Sauli.

 

It’s probably what Sauli misses the most, right after the hugs and kisses. And that is what they have planned as soon as Adam wakes up. He promised to be on Skype by ten o’clock but he ‘ _couldn’t promise anything, babe’_. And looking at the video of a slightly wasted Adam walking back to the car with Danielle and Casper, he just can’t see it happening. But he still goes through the day, forgetting all about Adam for a while and enjoying his time with some of his friends. At night, he drives back to Hyvinkää and has dinner with his parents like promised. It’s not ideal to stay at his parents’ place for the time he’s in Finland, but it’s definitely better than staying at a hotel and waste his entire paycheck on that. Plus, he changes between his parents and his sisters every now and then, depending on how much he has to be in Helsinki.

 

“There is that movie playing on the television that you like so much. We can watch it if you want to.” Sauli’s father tells him during dinner. And whenever Sauli is back in Finland, they always let him decide what to watch on television, or what to eat every day, or where to go to when they plan a day out together.

 

“Oh. I’m doing Skype with Adam, though.”

 

His mother’s eyes light up at Adam’s name. She’s always been charmed. “How is he doing?”

 

“Good, I think. Busy with work. Haven’t _really_ spoken to him for a while since we’re both so busy.”

 

“You need to _make_ time, Sauli.”

 

His mother has that stern look on her face, the one Sauli can’t argue with. And he really _can’t,_ cause she’s absolutely right. They _do_ need to make time, which is why Sauli keeps most of his mornings or evenings free, counting the time difference every single time and hope that Adam will have some time to call or Skype. But he’s been disappointed many times in the three weeks he’s been in Finland now. Most of the times it’s not Adam’s fault. Studio time took longer and Sauli’s eyes just wouldn’t stay open long enough to wait for Adam to get home and open Skype, or traffic had been a bitch and Adam could only call quickly to say goodnight or good morning. Or Adam fell asleep two minutes into their conversation and no matter how cute it would look on his computer screen, it left Sauli with a bitter feeling of wanting to blame Adam for a lot of things. He tries not to, but after three long, exhausting weeks, he’s not always so rational anymore.

 

And so Sauli sits behind his laptop at seven thirty in the evening, desperately hoping Adam will show up like promised. He checks his mails, replies to some of them, watches some videos online and reads the Finnish newspaper online. He does everything to distract himself from the minutes passing by, but when the clock hits nine and Adam still isn’t logged in and hasn’t answered to Sauli’s two text messages, he sighs and logs off himself. He really doesn’t want to start assuming things, because that’s just not who Sauli is, but he can’t stop himself from _thinking._ Adam was clearly wasted at least a little in the pictures and he did tell Sauli that Casper recently broke up with his boyfriend.

 

And Sauli so not wants to go there, so he walks downstairs and sits with his parents. “How was Adam?” His mother asks him first thing.

 

“He didn’t make it. Late night last night.”

 

“He’s always so busy.”

 

“Yeah.” Sauli tries to hide his disappointment as good as possible. “He is.”

 

He expected a text from Adam as soon as he woke up and realized he’d missed their Skype date, but it still felt like a slap in the face when he finally got it at almost eleven. Which meant it was almost one in the afternoon in Los Angeles. Sauli figures Adam must be tired after three days of partying in a row. It almost makes him want to delete the text without reading, but he does so anyway.

 

**1 New Message**

From: Adam, 12/09/2014, 22.48

_I’m so sorry! Overslept so badly. I’m on Skype now <3 x_

Sauli sighs, thinks about giving in and cut his boyfriend some slack. But it’s not the first time he’s hurt. By Adam, of all people. He pushes through and for once doesn’t give in. He doesn’t know whether to feel good or absolute crap about it, which annoys him to no end. And again; he blames Adam.

 

**New message**

To: Adam

_Already in bed, sorry. Early morning tomorrow. Goodnight x_

 

He doesn’t read the text Adam sends him two minutes later.

 

\---

 

It’s weird. Sauli knows it should feel good, like happy times. Laughter and happiness and love and what else. But when he stares at the computer screen and sees Adam watching him back, it’s just weird.

 

“It’s been way too long, baby”, Adam almost whines. “I miss you so much.”

 

Not my fault it’s been so long, Sauli wants to answer. “I miss you too.”

 

“Sorry it’s been so busy lately.” With what? Partying?

 

Okay, so maybe Sauli is a little bit angry and Adam doesn’t know. But whenever he says something, Adam looks at him like a lost puppy and even though Sauli is still hurting from the new pictures of Adam and two friends of him leaving not one, but two clubs yesterday evening, he doesn’t want Adam to feel bad. Seems like his hangover is already killing him softly.

 

“That’s okay. How’s the album coming along?”

 

“Great! I’m going to send you some of the demos I worked on lately. I was going to do that last night but then Ricky came early and I forgot.” Sauli bets he did. “How are you, baby? How’s family time been?”

 

“It’s been good to see my parents and sisters and nephews again.”

 

“Katri texted me a couple of days ago saying if I wanted you back, I would have to come and drag you along, cause she’s not letting you go anymore.”

 

“I know. I was there when she sent it.” Adam laughs and Sauli smiles along. He can’t help it. He loves him, okay? A happy Adam makes a happy Sauli. Call it easy, Sauli would probably agree. He fucking hates it.

 

“So should I?”

 

“What?”

 

“Come and get you. I hate to take you away from them, but I do miss you a lot.”

 

“I miss you, too, baby. But you’re recording so time is going to fly by, you’ll see.”

 

Adam hums and Sauli stays quiet. There’s not much to say, even though it’s been three days since they last spoke decently. “So how are the Big Brother candidates?”

 

\---

 

“Hey, sorry I’m late.” Again. “I had a conference call with Shosh and it ran out a bit.”

 

“That’s okay.” It’s not like Sauli still expects Adam to be on time. Or be there period. It’s pretty sad how things have spiraled down so fast in Sauli’s mind in only two weeks’ time. But he’s fed up with Adam’s excuses and not being there half of the time when he does see articles and videos about the parties Adam attends and how happy he looks. But then he says he misses Sauli and that’s okay, Sauli misses Adam too. But today, Sauli is snappy and irritated because of some crap with the Big Brother recordings and he has no patience at all.

 

“Not missing me too much?” Adam jokes.

 

“I’m coping”, Sauli tries to joke back even though it kind of falls flat. Adam notices too and looks down. Probably at his hands, his nail polish, Sauli knows from experience.

 

“I miss you. A lot.” Doesn’t look like it, Sauli thinks, but nothing more. “It’s not much fun without you.”

 

And that makes something inside Sauli snap. The final drop in the figurative bucket. “Seems to me like you’re having plenty of fun.”

 

Adam looks up and frowns. “What?”

 

“You think I wouldn’t see the videos and the articles about you leaving clubs wasted with all your friends? Finland is not America, but it’s not the middle of nowhere with no internet connection, Adam.”

 

“I know that. But I don’t get –”

 

“You don’t get?” Sauli doesn’t let Adam finish. “What is there not to get, Adam? I’m here, working. You’re there, working. But then it seems like you’re going out partying every night with Casper and some other guys and people are noticing and writing about it. I notice and think about it. Do you know I got tweets asking if we actually broke up?”

 

“I – what?”

 

“Fans. They’re asking me if we broke up and if Casper is a sympathy fuck.”

 

“But we’re not – why do they think that?”

 

“Really? Adam. How would it look to you if I go out every night partying with the same dude and some others while my boyfriend is in another continent for almost five months.”

 

Something snaps inside Adam as well, because he doesn’t like what Sauli’s assuming. He’s not a cheater. “You think I’m cheating on you? Are you fucking _serious?_ Who do you think I am?”

 

“Sometimes I wonder, too.”

 

“Fuck you, Sauli.”

 

Adam signs off.

 

\---

 

**1 New Message**

From: Adam, 21/09/2014, 18.02

_Can’t be on Skype today, last minute studio time. Sorry x_

 

\---

 

 

“I feel like Sauli’s avoiding me”, Adam tells his mother three days later.

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

“Because we haven’t talked on Skype since that fight and that was five days ago. Whenever I text to ask if he can be online, he either doesn’t answer or says he’s busy.”

 

“Well, maybe he is”, Leila retorts.

 

**1 New Message**

From: Sauli <3, 09/24/2014, 12:24

_Can’t tonight. I’m out with Niko and the others. Sorry x_

 

“I hope so”, Adam sighs. But probably not, he thinks.

 

**New Message**

To: Sauli <3

_Okay. I love you <3 x_

Sauli never answers and Adam’s not going to admit how much it stings.

 

\---

 

 

“He’s not picking up.” Adam throws the phone on the table in between him and Scarlett. “And he hasn’t answered to my texts from yesterday.”

 

“He’s busy. Didn’t he have that shoot today?”

 

“I don’t know. Don’t know much about what’s going on anymore”, Adam sighs. He really doesn’t want people to feel sorry for him, but he kind of feels sorry for himself a bit right now. He doesn’t want to, because this is his fault, he knows that, admits to that, but he still wants to smack Sauli’s head against a wall and yell at him. Figuratively, of course.

 

“Adam!” Riff rides his car toy over Adam’s upper leg and arm.

 

“Hey buddy. What’s that?”

 

“A car”, Riff answers proudly to knowing the answer. “Mommy gimme.”

 

“That’s a great looking car, dude. Can I have it?”

 

“No!” It’s pulled away so quickly that Adam just has to laugh. This is exactly what he needs. An afternoon with his careless and innocent godchild.

 

\---

 

From: [adamlambert@gmail.com](mailto:adamlambert@gmail.com)

To: [saulikoskinen@hotmail.fi](mailto:saulikoskinen@hotmail.fi)

Subject: demos

(4 attachments) download now.

 

Hey baby

As promised, I’m sending you the songs I’ve been working on. Let me know what you think. Call me when you’ve listened to them, I really want to and need to talk to you. I miss you.

Love you <3

 

\---

 

“Sauli?” Sauli panics and wipes the tears away, knowing it won’t help all that much since his eyes must be bloodshot red. His sister, Sara, comes into the room and frowns when she sees her brother sitting on his bed with hurt eyes. “What’s wrong?”

 

Sauli shakes his head and turns the laptop towards his sister, who placed herself next to him on the bed. He inhales deeply in order to calm down a bit. “Adam sent me some songs.”

 

“And they’re that bad?” Sara jokes, Sauli snickers but then starts crying again thinking of the ballad Adam sent him. The other three songs are quite cool, about people wanting to be who they want to be and not making excuses and everything Adam so believes in and stands for. But the ballad. It broke Sauli’s heart.

 

“Press play.”

 

_“It’s late at night and I can’t sleep. Missing you just runs too deep, oh, I can’t breathe thinking of your smile._

_Every kiss I can’t forget. This aching heart ain’t broken yet, oh, god I wish I could make you see. Cause I know this flame isn’t dying, so nothing can stop me from trying._

_Baby, you know that, maybe it’s time for miracles. Cause I ain’t giving up on love. You know that, maybe it’s time for miracles. Cause I ain’t giving up on love. No, I ain’t giving up on us.”_

Sara presses stop when she sees how much her brother is aching just listening to this demo. She hugs him close, hurting herself seeing her brother – twin brother – like this. “What’s going on?”

 

“We’ve been fighting a bit, but I didn’t know he felt like I’m giving up on him.” Sauli shakes his head and looks at his sister. “I’m not, Sara. I am not giving up on him.”

 

“I know you’re not.”

 

Sauli’s desperate. “I can’t lose him. This is all my fault.”

 

“Nothing in a relationship is one person’s fault. Look. Just talk to him. He asks you to call him because he needs to talk to you. After sending you a song basically telling you he’s going to fight for you. You’re not losing him unless you let him lose you. Looks to me as if all you two need is a good conversation.”

 

“He’s never on Skype. He’s always out partying with friends and that’s why he’s never there.”

 

“Talk to him.”

 

Sauli nods. “Yeah. I need to – I need to talk to him.” He hugs his sister and closes his laptop. “Thank you.”

 

\---

 

 

It takes Adam five rings to pick up the phone. And when he does, it’s with a voice filled with sleep. Sauli knows it’s late in Los Angeles, for once knows Adam needs to be up early tomorrow morning. But he really, really, _really_ needs to talk to Adam right now because he can’t take it anymore. He can’t stand fighting with Adam anymore. He doesn’t even know how it got this far, and neither does Adam, but it has and Sauli is going to try and fix it.

 

“Moi, Adam.”

 

“Sauli?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Adam sits up in his bed. “Are you okay? Did something happen?”

 

“I’m fine.” Silence.

 

“Okay. That’s good.” At least he’s not calling to tell his mother or something died.

 

“I – uh – I listened to your demos.”

 

Oh, Adam thinks. _Oh._ “Oh. So what’d you think?” He tries to wake up because he wants to talk to Sauli this one time it’s fairly normal and not that awkward.

 

“They’re good. Don’t sound much like demos but more like finished songs to me.”

 

“Hmm. I can see your point. So uh –”

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

Adam frowns. “What for?”

 

“Can you come on Skype? I know it’s late and you need to wake up early but I –”

 

“I’ll be there in five minutes.”

 

Sauli nods and mumbles an okay before disconnecting and logging into Skype. And he waits for Adam, who shows up not five minutes, but three minutes later and immediately invites Sauli for a session with video. And the first couple of minutes, they just stare at each other. Sauli starts crying and Adam blinks tears away.

 

“What are you sorry for?”

 

“Shutting you out. I miss you so much, and I hate seeing you have fun with other people and not me. That’s stupid, I know”,

 

“It’s not”, Adam interrupts but Sauli doesn’t let him continue.

 

“But I couldn’t not miss you and I tried to get over it but I couldn’t.”

 

“That’s nothing to be sorry for. I understand why you shut me out, and you have every right to.”

 

“All those nights, I sat behind my laptop waiting for you to come online but you were always late or didn’t show up because you slept your hangover away. I wanted you to have fun, and I felt like I couldn’t tell you to stop. Because I am not there and I should never tell you what to do. But it hurt every time you cancelled or forgot.” Sauli’s full on crying now.

 

So is Adam. “I know. Baby, I’m sorry.” He’s begging and can’t even feel bad about it. “I’m so sorry. Please.”

 

“I don’t want to give up on you either. The song – it’s, it’s beautiful. I don’t want you to think I’m giving up on you.”

 

“It’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not. You’re in America and I’m stuck in Finland. For the first time since moving to LA, I feel stuck in Finland when I’m here for a while. I miss you, and my friends there, and I’m having a lot of fun here, but you’re there and I want to be where you are.”

 

Sauli’s rambling and he can’t seem to stop. Until Adam says: “I’m coming to Finland.”

 

That shuts Sauli up alright. “What?”

 

“I’m coming to Finland. I booked my ticket tonight. I was going to tell you tomorrow, or surprise you when I got there. Your parents know. And Katri.”

 

“You are?”

 

Adam smiles at Sauli’s slightly shocked face and nods. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realize what we both needed.”

 

“When?”

 

“Three days from now.” Sauli nods, trying to take everything in and then suddenly smiles his big smile and it warms Adam’s heart. “Picking me up?”

 

“You count on it.”

 

“Great. Love you baby.”

 

“Love you too.”

 

Adam smiles and takes a deep breath. He finally feels whole again, and when he tells Sauli, he can totally relate.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote most of this story at 3-4 o'clock in the morning, so bare with me and all the mistakes that are probably in there. If you see any, don't feel bad about pointing them out to me.


End file.
